The last time I had a real suicidal episode was eighteen years ago. I believe it was a residual relapse from an antidepressant I had unsuccessfully tried when I was a teenager.
Since then, or actually since I was fourteen (twenty-three years ago), I have been using everything I teach in personal development as a way to manage my clinical depression.
Last Thursday, that resulted in a rare, but severe side-effect which caused me to attempt suicide. I have realized that it is the drugs, and stopped attempting, but the pervasive suicidal thoughts do not stop.
This is exactly the opposite of who I am.
One of my friends astutely asked me, “Is it really the opposite of who you are?”
Maybe this cynical asshole *is* exactly me. Maybe my default setting is to be negative, and I have worked for twenty-three years at covering that up with all sorts of shit in order to suppress who I really am.
I feel like my life has fallen apart. I choose to start over.
I can’t go to sleep, but I can write this.
When life falls apart, we can start over.
When we start over, it means none of the past matters. Forget everything. Then wake-up, anew, as if everything that we have (knowledge, relationships, resources), are all instantaneous gifts and blessings.
Even when we need to say it every ten seconds, it is still true -- We can start over.
Go out in the world and help others, even when many people will seemingly take advantage of you. Be hopeful that the few good times will be well worth it, and have faith that it will all make sense in the end. (If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end.)
And whenever we get stuck, just remember, we can start over. We can still inspire the world to love the world together.
Love,
[)anish /|hmed, blind visionary
P.S., “I don’t know what to say” is often the best thing we can say.
P.P.S. Click on any of the hyperlinks above and expand to an inspiring article on that topic.
No comments:
Post a Comment