When life knocks us down, at least we’re still living. When life falls apart, we have no reason left to live.
The last time I had a real suicidal episode was eighteen years ago. I believe it was a residual relapse from an antidepressant I had unsuccessfully tried when I was a teenager.
Since then, or actually since I was fourteen (twenty-three years ago), I have been using everything I teach in personal development as a way to manage my clinical depression.
Several months ago, I felt all the means I had used to handle my depression were no longer effective. Desperately, I resorted back to seeing a medical doctor and got a prescription for anti-depressants.
Last Thursday, that resulted in a rare, but severe side-effect which caused me to attempt suicide. I have realized that it is the drugs, and stopped attempting, but the pervasive suicidal thoughts do not stop.
It is like living a torturous existence where I see everything negatively like a cynical asshole. Every thought seems to lead back to a suicidal solution.
This is exactly the opposite of who I am.
One of my friends astutely asked me, “Is it really the opposite of who you are?”
Maybe this cynical asshole *is* exactly me. Maybe my default setting is to be negative, and I have worked for twenty-three years at covering that up with all sorts of shit in order to suppress who I really am.
It doesn’t matter who I am. It matters who I want to be.
I feel like my life has fallen apart. I choose to start over.
I can’t go to sleep, but I can write this.
When life falls apart, we can start over.
When we start over, it means none of the past matters. Forget everything. Then wake-up, anew, as if everything that we have (knowledge, relationships, resources), are all instantaneous gifts and blessings.
Every time a negative thought comes up, I can say, “we can start over”.
Even when we need to say it every ten seconds, it is still true -- We can start over.
Go out in the world and help others, even when many people will seemingly take advantage of you. Be hopeful that the few good times will be well worth it, and have faith that it will all make sense in the end. (If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end.)
And whenever we get stuck, just remember, we can start over. We can still inspire the world to love the world together.
Let’s love the world together...
[)anish /|hmed, blind visionary
P.S., “I don’t know what to say” is often the best thing we can say.
P.P.S. Click on any of the hyperlinks above and expand to an inspiring article on that topic.